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Survive another Patriots’ Super Bowl with this drinking game

Last year, in order to make the New England Patriots’ appearance in yet another Super Bowl tolerable, we introduced you to the NFL Memes Facebook page and its special Super Bowl 52 drinking game. And unfortunately, since Tom Brady, Coach Grumpypants and the Patriots are back in the big game, it looks like we’re going to have to bust out the liquid pain reliever once again.

In fact, this year might be even worse! The Patriots being in the Super Bowl is always a sign end times are near, but that’s to be expected. Also expected: They’re going to pound the Los Angeles Rams into the dirt. The once-thrilling Rams have looked really mediocre for the back end of the season as opponents have figured out how to stop Jared Goff and the team’s aerial attack (as a fantasy team owner who had Brandin Cooks, I would know!) and as once MVP candidate Todd Gurley began slowly fading away like he’s in Marty McFly’s family photo. And the Rams shouldn’t even be there! If it wasn’t for a referee at the NFC Championship, it’d be the Patriots against the New Orleans Saints. But nope, we got the Asterisk Bowl.

Even the NFL itself seems disinterested in this Super Bowl matchup. Was there even a Super Bowl media week? Honestly I would not be surprised if the NFL just cancelled the game – and the halftime show, with the anti-anticipated Maroon 5 – and sent out a press release saying “Patriots win.”

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But no, there’s still going to be a Super Bowl – and even as much as we complain and whine about it, don’t lie to yourself: We all know where we’re going to be at 5:30 p.m. tonight. No, you’re not going to binge whatever that new show on Netflix is instead. And you’re definitely not going to do some early spring cleaning or prepare for work tomorrow. We’ll all be in front of the TV, watching Tom Brady throw five-yard passes to the aroused amazement of Jim Nantz and probably arguing about some obviously awful call during the game.

But we’re not here to simply complain. We’re here with a solution! Thanks to the fine folks at the NFL Memes Facebook page, here’s the latest Super Bowl drinking game to make the big game tolerable:

And for some added fun, here are some other rules to add:

  • Pop a champagne bottle whenever anybody hints that this could be Tom Brady and Bill Belichick’s final season, then take a shot when you realize that’s definitely not going to happen because this is 2019, and joy is dead.
  • Knock back a bottle of Sam Adams beer whenever CBS cuts to Mark Wahlberg watching the game in a luxury suite.
  • Take a drink when some Super Bowl ad commercial featuring seven famous celebrities airs but makes no discernible impact on anyone watching it. (Bonus drink if somebody in the room says, “They paid all those people for THAT?!”)
  • Drink an entire bottle of moonshine any time you remember that the Green Bay Packers were once Super Bowl favorites who ended up losing to the Arizona Cardinals and firing their head coach.
  • Take a shot every time Jim Nantz fails to hide his love for Tom Brady.
  • Take a shot every time we spend ten minutes with a coaches challenge, watching a guy catch a football but not catch a football because nobody knows what a catch actually is anymore.
  • Take a shot after every commercial with some anodyne message like “Be nice” that you know will cause controversy because apparently that counts as a political statement these days.
  • Take a drink every time an announcer or your own brain tries to convince you that the Rams have a chance to win. Gotta squelch that optimism and drown it in alcohol.

And there it is, the Super Bowl LIII drinking game. Because, once again, you should end your Sunday night puking from drinking too much, not from watching Tom Brady lift the Lombardi Trophy again.

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