“I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of ‘yusses’. And every single one of those bums let me down flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance. And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all; the build, the foot-speed. He could jab! He could take a hit! He could keep on comin’! BUT THAT FORSLUGGINER HEEL OF HIS! He barely gets nicked there once and kaboom! He’s history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, ‘That’s Phil’s boy.’ That’s right… Ah, but dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment.”
This film is a hoot & a half. So, it isn’t accurate in any real sense but it doesn’t need to be cause it has a lot of heart and it can go the distance. There are so entertaining action sequences, the songs are top-notch and the hero gets tricked by following his dick.
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But those aren’t the reason we all love this film. Two words: James Woods. Woods’ portrayal of Hades is stellar. There is a reason why he will play any version of that Hades (going as far as to learn Japanese to voice him for Kingdom Hearts), and its because that character FUCKING ROCKS. Its so good I can forgive them making the neutral god of Greek mythology into an evil car salesman.
#1. Take a drink anytime “Hero” “God” and “Titan” are said.
#2. Take a drink for every contemporary pop culture or element of modernity reference.
#3. Take a shot whenever Hades gets SUPER-FUCKING-ANGRY.
#1. Father of the Gods: Zeus was known to transform into an agnry bull, so we’ll be drinking up some angry bulls ourselves. 2 oz. of vodka mixed with a can of Red Bull.
#2. The God of Strength: For those as strong & noble as Hercules I present a simple boiler-maker; a huge stein of golden ale with a shot of Jägermeister in it.
#3. James Woods’ Presents the Lord of the Dead: This is easily the most complicated drink and does require a sense of safety. You have been warned! 1/2 oz. Kahlua, 1/2 oz. Blue Curacao, 1/2 oz. Galliano, 1/2 oz. Sambuca (White), Cinnamon & Cream. Layer the Kahlua, Curacao, and Galliano in a martini glass. Pour the Sambuca into a shot glass and light it on fire. Pour it flaming into the drink and throw a pinch of cinnamon over it for the crackling fireball effect. Douse the flames with cream and drink.
There are three meals to be had here, based on your Greek deity preference. If you favor yourself as mighty as Zeus you’ll be dining on cooked goose (or duck if you can’t find any damned geese) with an appetizer of sliced apples & nuts. For your standard hero, like our boy Hercules, you’ll looking at barbecued boar with a Greek salad ( tomatoes, sliced cucumbers, onion, feta cheese, and olives, typically seasoned with salt and oregano, and dressed with olive oil). And for those you would dine in the dark, the closest I can get to the worms & such that Hades dines on is chow mein with shrimp, prawns & scallops.