Want to ruin someone else’s relationship without the messy business of actually getting involved? Check out some of the worst and weirdest dating and sex apps out there – for when OKCupid just isn’t going to cut it.
You might think you’re pretty good in bed, but if you’re someone who often wonders just how well you compare to others during sex, now you can check those crippling insecurities with Passion!
This app measures how well you perform during sex and gives you a rating from 0-10, ten being the highest, zero being very depressing.
Using the microphone and ‘accelerometer’ to determine an accurate score, the app claims “All you have to do is start the application, put your iPhone on the bed, in an arm band, or even in your pocket and have intercourse, it is as easy as that. Once you are finished, press the stop button and view your results.” Romantic.
Then you can go online afterwards and see how well you did against the rest of the world – who needs pillow talk anyway?
Do you spend most of your free time staring daggers at the “in a relationship” status on your one-true-love’s Facebook? Keep an eye on them while you’re hoping they’ll fall miserably out of love with their other half with the handy website breakupnotifier.com.
Breakupnotifier does exactly what it says on the tin. Simply choose which of your friends you want the site to send you notifications about when there’s a change in their relationship status. Then, if your Facebook friend changes their relationship status, the website will send you an email, so you’ll be right in there straight away. Lucky them.
3. Heavenly Sinful (like Tinder but more about sex)
Tinder just isn’t direct enough for some people. For those who want to know what that swipe left actually means, Heavenly Sinful is a simple way to find out exactly what they’re looking for.
As well as swiping left you can use the app to specify whether you’re feeling Heavenly (“Let’s go for a cute Frappuccino and take selfies”) or Sinful (“Hey, I would like to have sex with you”). If the person you’ve swiped is also feeling Heavenly or Sinful to match you, then you’ve got yourself a match made in Heaven (sorry).
The app also includes a handy map so you can see your fellow Heavenly or Sinful people according to their location. You can then send them voice messages and videos of yourself, which to be honest will probably be used for more sinful than heavenly reasons really.
4. Personal Dating Assistants (like Tinder but for rich people)
You want to use Tinder, but you’re too busy, and you’re loaded (it is the perfect time of year for it with revision and student loans…). This new dating service is the perfect solution.
Aimed at rich single men with little free time to spare, Personal Dating Assistants provides an online profile management and ghostwriting service for dating profiles. A bit like how Jordan writes all her books, but for sex.
The website markets itself as “dating, done for you” and promises to land you eight dates per month, depending on how much you’re willing to fork out for the service. A basic ‘Weekend Cassanova’ membership costs £225 per month, or you can splash out on the top level ‘International Playboy’ profile costing a mere £903 per month.
Whether you’re looking for “long term relationships”, “lots of casual fun” or to “wife up with your end game girl”, bear in mind the website addresses their particular clientele “If you’re reading this, then you’re probably already a reasonably attractive and successful guy. Maybe not Cary Grant, David Beckham or Tony Stark … but you’ve got your act together.”
5. Seeking Arrangement
Seeking Arrangement deserves to be on this list purely because it’s one of the creepiest and most lucrative dating sites out there. Apparently boasting hundreds of members at universities across the UK, skint students can sign up to be “sugar babies” to either “sugar mamas” or “sugar daddies”.
In exchange for a relationship (80% of Seeking Arrangement dates involve sex, but the founder Brandon Wade denies it’s a form of prostitution), cash-strapped sugar babies are lavished with gifts and cash allowances which average at £5,000 a month.
Who says romance is dead?
6. Lick My App
If you have trouble with giving out satisfying oral sex, you should probably lick your phone instead.
Lickmyapp requires no download and encourages users to improve their oral skills with a choice of three different games, you can flick a light switch on and off, turn a crank or go freestyle – where you bounce a beach ball. All done with your tongue.
You also have to remember to wrap your phone for protection first because it’s supposedly crawling with bacteria, yuck.
Platewave bills itself as “the social network for UK drivers” and lets you message anyone, as long as you’ve got their vehicle registration number. Picture this – you’ve spotted someone you like flying past in a fancy car and managed to take down their license plate number before they sped off. Not creepy at all.
You can then share your undying love for them and their ride by messaging them – probably something like “Nice rims” and not “I SEE YOU EVERY DAY WE’D BE PERFECT TOGETHER WINKFACE”.
They have to have Platewave too, but that’s hardly the only boundary to finding love with this app. The main one being that you’re probably a fucking eagle-eyed psychopath to use it in the first place.
So you’ve tracked down future lovers on the road, Facebook and on your phone, but what about 30,000 feet in the air? Wingman, a dating app for air travellers, promises to help match you with a potential mate on your next flight. Because finding a match at sea-level is so 2013.
Currently in Beta mode, the app allows interested parties to ‘reserve their seat’ by entering their email address. The main problem with the app is that joining the mile high club is probably a lot better as a fantasy than a reality – in reality your flight will just be full of hungover dehydrated adults, the occasional screeching stag or hen, and screaming children, which isn’t exactly the best pool to pick from.
9. Carrot Dating
What if you’re not rich enough for Seeking Arrangement or Personal Dating Assistants, but still want to bribe your way to a date. Firstly, you’re a massive creep.
Secondly, you can use Carrot Dating. The app boasts that it will help you “bribe your way to a date”, by letting people exchange a bouquet of flowers, a romantic dinner, a shopping trip, or an outdoor adventure in exchange for a first date.
“Online dating is a superficial game” says Carrot Dating, but promises “With Carrot Dating, you won’t get rejected before you even get a chance. Convince singles that spending time with you is worth it by making them an offer that they simply cannot refuse”
It’s like The Godfather – but you know, for lonely, desperate creeps.
Pure is an app for those that want to enjoy Tinder but are too embarrassed or shy to put themselves out there. Or who just want to hide the evidence that they’re into online hook-ups.
A bit like Snapchat, the app timecaps your encounters, only letting you search for available and interested people near you for one hour. Unlike Tinder, the app doesn’t force you to link to your Facebook or other social network presence, meaning internet evidence of your shameful hour of need is minimal. After an hour your listing, photos, tagline and location all disappear.
The only catch is that if you want to continue longterm with your private rendevouz via Pure, you’re going to have to pay. The app provides a week long pass of ‘free tickets’ each good for one hour of matching. So if you’re not satisfied or completely creeped out by then, it’s gonna cost you.
(Although within 15minutes without using my real photo I had several ‘requests’, and that was at 11am on a Wednesday, so I imagine it’s quite a busy app).
And the one for the after-dating-app regret: Cloak
Cloak is an app for when you want to forget about the result of your dating-app perusals and never ever see them again. It allows you to locate friends, exes, and previous one-night-stands on social networking sites and plots them on a map so you know exactly where to avoid them.
Like a private-eye for the ashamed and socially awkward.
Other articles recommended by the author:
Things boys should not do on Tinder, by disappointed girls
Girls reveal their biggest turn ons in bed, so you won’t disappoint ever again
How to finger a girl properly according to disappointed girls
The Tab’s guide to dating