The Criminal Minds Drinking Game – throw another bear in the canoe — LiveJournal

Well, it’s been a long slow hiatus, and we were bored and insomniac and we’ve been joking about this for a looong time. And so we present to anybody who is interested-the hopefully amusing and entirely life-threateningCriminal Minds drinking game!:

We, the editors (beatriceeagle, matociquala, and slash_girl), highly recommend that this game not actually be played with alcoholic or caffeinated beverages, or anything with a high sugar or calorie content, as we cannot be responsible for the results if it is.

Regular cast:

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Drink when-

Hotch:-apologizes for Gideon’s lack of manners-shushes Reid-gets into a fistfight-backstory contradicts itself.-he produces another useful item (dentist’s mirror, collapsable baton, swiss army knife) from a pocket. (One of these days it’s going to be a holocaust cloak.)-puts on the bad-guy mask while he’s interrogating a suspect, and proceeds to dominate.-puts on his “Oh, we’re screwed now” face.-mothers or caretakes another team member-glares at someone. (withering stares also count.)-sails through bureaucratic barriers like a high-powered lawyer with two guns and the Attorney General’s phone number on Speed Dial. (Hotchalanche!)-due to an editing error, is suddenly not left-handed.-is Hotch. (By which to say, one of those moments when Hotch is just being himself, in a profound and elegant fashion; i.e., washing the blood off Elle’s wall.)-cracks a smile.

JJ:-and Hotch collude to hornswoggle some cop or suspect who is underestimating the blonde.-twice if JJ winks at Hotch, after.-rolls her eyes.-colludes with Reid-says, “We spoke on the phone”-and the person she says it to does a double-take.-wants to give a press conference-strides down the hall/across the bullpen-is not the one handling the remote-feeds somebody a complete line of balderdash, and they buy it hook, line and sinker.-drink twice if it’s a team member-intimidates a team member other than Reid-needs to rethink her hair style.-is revealed as the Secrit Mastermind Behind the BAU

Elle:-knows something Reid doesn’t.-beats somebody up.-looks hot in Kevlar-is hasty or impatient or stretches the truth a little… or a lot.-is smarter than anybody else in the room.-is from Brooklyn, and has the skills and the attitude to prove it.-is team sex crimes guy.-speaks Spanish-or French-is the only one in the room with the sense to handle a trauma survivor

Reid:-reads something-finish your drink if he’s reading at an apparently normal rate of speed-mangles, folds, spindles, or otherwise mutilates paperclips, pens, pencils, or other innocent prop objects (picking locks falls under magician tricks.)-makes a cryptic comment that could be about drug or alcohol abuse, or appears to be engaging in same-Says Too Much-sticks something edible in his mouth.-twice if it’s not cake, candy, or a Rice Krispie treat.-gives a statistic or remembers an obscure fact.-arrives someplace at a trot, slightly out of breath, in a controlled or uncontrolled sort of crash. (Reidalanche!)-rushes with the rest of the team to save a suspect/witness who is injuring himself, only to hang around awkwardly in the background, doing nothing.-defends the mentally ill-is afraid of his own mind.-exhibits terrifying and unexpected toughness/ruthlessness/bravado or is kind of stupidly brave.-and doesn’t get away with it, drink twice.-is held hostage/held at gunpoint-rescues himself.-is team psycholinguistics or graphology guy-drink any time we actually discover something that’s in Reid’s bag.Gideon:-channels Captain Obvious.-hyperventilates-winces-channels a victim. (This includes when victim’s voices are overlaid with his, when he places himself in the physical position where they died, etc.)-makes a decision that gets somebody beat up, shot, or killed.-finish your drink if it’s one of his own team-mates.-is good with kids.-but not his own.-talks somebody into losing their cool… or regaining it.-somebody recieving a phone call from Gideon identifies him by a spurious nickname (“my boyfriend,” “your wife.”)-when you notice something from a previous episode (i.e., Sarah Jean Dawes’s painting, or a book on stuttering) in his officePrentiss:-cracks the case through noticing some tiny detail everybody else missed-mentions her mother-mentions politics-speaks another language-exhibits low (flattened) affect-loathes somebody passionately.-suffers Hoof In Mouth disease.-drink twice if she only thinks he put her foot in it, but actually said something smart.-geeks out.-adds “Sir” to the end of a sentence as an afterthought.-drink twice if she clearly doesn’t mean it.

Garcia:-holds up or uses a cool pen-does something else perfectly in character, possibly involving a stuffed animal.-is eating something while talking about hideous things-or ostentatiously not eating.-throws somebody out of her office for eating-calls Morgan some clever pet name.-does it to another team member-gets shot down.-floors a team member with some shocking comment-looks nauseated-had a hand in designing whatever software they’re currently attempting to crack.-speaks French.

Morgan-says “Okay, I’m [the unsub.]”-tackles somebody-twice if he’s tackling something. Like a moving van.-kicks down a door.-tries to be sensitive Understanding Guy for a team-mate and makes it worse.-finish your drink if he makes it better.-mentions of Clooney the Dog-calls Garcia by a pet name.-flirts with a woman other than Garcia.-drink twice if Morgan gets to say one of the epigraphs-any equation of Morgan to a large predatory animal. Or the prey thereof.-picks on somebody in a Big-Brotherly fashion.-is BATF undercover badass guy

Characterization of regular and recurring, General:Drink when-

-characters sleep on the plane-characters share food-drink twice if they share unwillingly.-somebody displays symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (Other than as noted under specific character lists) or reveals some terrible bit of history. (i.e., flashbacks, flashbulb memories, dissociating, hypervigilance, etc.)-anyone realizes The Awful Troof of a given horrific situation.-every time somebody pours, drinks from, or waves around a cup of coffee.-drink when the good guys prove they’re better than the monsters.-finish your drink if they’re not.-for Significant Glances-or Significant Eyebrow Movements-somebody talks about needing more deaths to construct a pattern-and more deaths occur.-one of Our Guys negotiates a surrender rather than shooting somebody…-when a regular character breaks down in tears-when a regular character shamelessly manipulates, lies, tricks, and/or bullies a cop, unsub, or victim into providing information-a regular cast character admits to being a “nerd,” “geek,” or “dork,” or it’s just demonstrated conclusively that they are one.-a team member is ruthless (in the spotting-your-weaknesses-and-gouging-them-out sense).-drink twice if the team member isn’t Gideon, Hotch, or Reid.-any team member outsmarts the hell out of somebody.-any team member gets arrested or threatened with arrest.-any team member is trying to wipe the blood of a victim or unsub off their hands/a wall/their face (and failing)-drink twice if they aren’t even bothering to try to wipe it away-anybody hollers for/sits in/is taken away in an ambulance.-twice if it’s Reid

Thematic and Design Elements:

Drink when-

-regular or guest characters demonstrate Daddy Issues-regular or guest characters demonstrate Mommy Issues-somebody refers to another character by a family relationship name. (“Dad,” etc.)-greenscreen or other cool visual effect. (You’re on your own recognizance for cool fades and scene changes.)-Spencer!Cam-the team are equated to mythological creatures or individuals (Knights of the round table, angels, etc.)-the characters or the narrative make science fiction joke or reference a work of science fiction (Kurt Vonnegut, Star Trek, Bladerunner, etc.)-other literary reference, obscure or otherwise (epigraphs do not count; Book of Tobit does.)-for a movie/TV show parody episode or shout-out. (Saw, Body Double, Psycho, Casablanca, When A Stranger Calls, 24, X-Files etc.)-for humanizing the monster and/or demonstrating the banality of evil-the good guys comfort the dying, even if it’s a dying monster.-for moral ambiguity or a Pyrrhic victory-when the good guys lose.-drink twice for a clear unqualified win.-when what actually just happened is open to interpretation at least two different ways (Did he or didn’t he?)-for graveyards-for any scene that invites you to shout: “Don’t go into the basement/barn/woods/cornfield!”-for narrative incongruity (i.e., party balloons during a shootout)-a quote is embedded into the dialogue-time in BAU-land does not appear to pass the same way our Earth Time does. (Day of the Dead in May, etc.)-the show involves a brief public service announcement, such as an educational paragraph on the unrealities of Stranger Danger or the Satanism panic-the music department has a twisted sense of humor (i.e., “Sympathy for the Devil” at the beginning of Revelations, “How’s It Gonna End?” in the trailer for Ashes & Dust)-drink twice if you have to do research to understand the joke.-drink, in fact, for *anything* thematically important on the show that you have to do research for (such as reading the third chapter of Mother Night, say.)-Body part in a box! Drink!-Body part not in a box! Drink!-trophies or mementos (this includes the teams trophies and mementos: i.e., Gideon’s Murder Book.)-the lighting department has a twisted sense of humor (i.e., angelic lighting on Reid and Garcia at the end of SBD and Reid at the end of Jones)

Transportation:

Drink when-

-more than one Gulfstream appears in the same episode.-the collapsible Chevy Suburbans appear (same two black SUVs, all over the continent).-the D.C. Metro runs all over the world, including Texas.-the D.C. Metro bears a striking resemblance to the NY Subway-somebody tells somebody to put their seatbelt on, or if somebody is obviously not buckled up when the vehicle is moving.-the cop of the week is driving.-Elle drives, Morgan rides.-Mom (Hotch) drives the Soccer Van (see Chevy Suburbans, above.)-in the unlikely event that Reid ever gets to drive, finish your drink.-drink for Esther. You know you wanna.

Wardrobe:

Drink when-

-Morgan wears a suit.-Drink twice if Hotch doesn’t.-drink for the Sunglasses of Justice, baby.-drink twice if the team puts on sunglasses specifically to confront a bad guy-any team member looks like they were stealing from another team member’s closet.-actually was stealing from another team member’s closet (this goes for non-team-members too, right, Frank?)-every time anybody wears an eye-watering sweater/shirt. (Charge of the Bad Shirt Brigade!)-drink twice if it’s not Reid or Gideon.-Hotch is not wearing a tie-JJ looks like she was poured into her outfit-Garcia’s highlights change color.-Garcia has more than one hairstyle per episode.-Reid is wearing his watch outside his sleeve-Reid is visibly wearing mismatched socks-twice if Reid’s cute childish habits serve to reinforce a tragedy-Reid has extra-long fingernails-characters are wearing clothing that matches clothing worn by another character (i.e., father-son type outfits.)-drink if clothing from a previous episode is reused-drink twice if it is reused three or more times-drink three times if it has been used so often that it has been nicknamed in fandom (i.e., when Reid’s Cursed Shirt (the blue and white long-sleeved check Oxford he’s wearing in Revelations and at the end of Sex, Birth, Death) or his lavender scarf make appearances, or when Garcia’s chartreuse green jacket shows up.)-a beloved wardrobe item is destroyed (Goodbye, red sweatervest! We miss you! Goodbye, Gideon’s white-and-red plaid shirt!).

Firearms:

Drink when-

-anybody is failing to maintain a sight picture-anybody secures a suspect’s weapon (makes sure the safety is on, puts a knife out of reach, etc) before taking further action towards first aid or arrest.-Hotch’s holdout pistol wanders from ankle to ankle, or becomes a different gun (a revolver, at one point).-a team member uses a weapon other than a gun.If a team member actually shoots somebody:-drink twice if multiple team members shoot the same person/it’s unclear which team member shoots.

Otherwise:-once if it’s Elle or Hotch.-two times if it’s Reid, Prentiss, or Morgan.-finish your drink if it’s Gideon or JJ.-if it’s Garcia, you’re watching the wrong show.

Local Law Enforcement:

Drink when-

-a local cop mouths off in a briefing, drink once.-a local cop who mouthed off later gets offed, drink once.-a local cop who mouthed off later DOESN’T get offed, chug.-a local cop is non-white or female.-a local cop is a white male. (Rarer than you’d think)-a local SWAT guy ices somebody who probably didn’t need icing.-a member of local law enforcement cracks the case-a member of local law enforcement should clearly be adopted into the BAU family (John Blackwolf, Cal Mcgee)-a local cop wants to be or may in fact be sleeping with one of the BAU team-drink twice if two of the local law enforcement are sleeping with each other.-shows up more than once (this includes other FBI agents-Katie, Anderson, Kramer, etc.)

Unsubs, victims, and family members:

Drink when-

-a potential suspect is concealing a fatal illness.-unsub, cop of the week, or victim is a clear parallel to a regular cast member-some random bystander shoots somebody, thereby complicating the situation.-drink every time an intended victim smacks the attacker hard enough to do damage.-finish your drink if s/he kicks him in the testicles-serial killers, mafioso, his own family, bystanders, or family of victims attempt to feed Reid.-unsubs evolve, devolve, or escalate.-at an unlikely rate of change.-the family member of a victim breaks down horribly upon learning that their family member is dead/they could have saved them.-a survivor of a previous episode returns for a later appearance.-and doesn’t survive the return engagement, drink twice.

Games:

Drink when-

-somebody plays cards.-twice when somebody cheats at cards.-finish your drink when somebody cheats at cards and you don’t notice until the second time you watch the episode.-mentions of poker-playing in dialogue count.-for any game of strategy (Chess, Go, Checkers etc.)-for magic. (Physics magic, “Magic time!” sleight of hand.)-for games of skill (Darts, etc.)-for computer games.-for sports (football, soccer.)-for drinking games (As in: Star Trek or serial killer trivia.)

Refrains:

Drink whenever somebody recites one of the following refrains or a variation:

-You’re here. He’s not.-Nobody deserves this.-Anything about somebody getting lucky.-Twice if somebody else corrects them.-“You’re not him” or variations thereupon.-Choose who dies.-Anything about the perversion of religion to justify evil.-You did your job-You did what you had to do.-You did everything you could.-if it’s Gideon saying “I did what I had to do; I did my job” to himself, justifying having gotten somebody shot/seriously injured, finish your drink.any time somebody says “You/I won:”-drink twice if it doesn’t seem like winning.-finish your drink if it actually does.

.*hic*And that was on tapwater.