Film Drunkies — Harry Potter (1-8) Drinking Games Megapost

All right everyone, cancel your weekend plans, stock up on some boxed wine, take your pants off and plant your fat ass firmly on the couch, because this is what you’re going to be doing all weekend long.

That’s right, idiots, your prayers have been answered by us, your Dionysian gods! Prepare thyself for…

THE HARRY POTTER DRINKING GAME MEGAPOST!!

YOU’RE WELCOME. So back to back, you’re looking at about 20 solid hours of drinking. That is nothing you’re not used to, but if you really need to break them up, then we suppose we’ll allow it. But you’ll definitely need a whole box of wine, or at least a 40 ounce (pronounced “Foh-dee”). Drink responsibly, idiots!

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Now, here’s how we’re going to tackle this titan of a game: there will be a small set of rules for each individual movie, but there will be a moderate list of communal rules that apply to every movie.

SO! Let’s start with the everlasting rules that you’ll be drinking to in each movie.

The Universal Rules!

1. Drink whenever they say, “Potter.”
2. Drink whenever they say, “wizard.”
3. Drink whenever magic is performed purposefully.
4. Drink whenever they say, “magic.”
5. Drink anytime you hear the main theme.
6. Drink for each new kind of mythical creature.
7. Drink anytime you see a new bird (if you’ve already seen Hedwig, don’t drink for her again).
8. Drink anytime there is an outside shot of the school.
9. Drink whenever someone says, “Professor.”
10. Drink anytime Ron makes a stupid face.
11. Drink anytime you catch yourself wondering, “Where are all the black people?”
12. Drink whenever Harry has one of his episodes where he sees/hears something ominous and then snaps back to reality and everyone is like, “Harry, what’s wrong!?”
13. All drinks are doubled if it takes place in the Muggle world.

Alright, you’ve mixed your vat of cocktails, you (attempted to) read and the communal rules, and you’ve basically given up on life (which is for the best), now let’s start where most good stories start: the beginning.

…and the Sorcerer’s Stone (or Philosopher’s if you’re gay and British) Rules

1. Drink whenever Maggie Smith is for your nerves.
2. Drink whenever the Sorcerer’s Stone is mentioned or seen.
3. Drink whenever Draco is an unprecedented asshole.
4. Drink whenever the kids are in mortal danger.
5. Drink whenever you think, “Wow, these kids were very bad actors before they grew up and learned how to do it.”
6. Drink every time Warwick Davis is on screen.
7. Drink the amount of house points either given or taken away at any time. (JUST DO IT, GOD DAMN IT)

• …and the Chamber of Secrets

1. Heave drink anytime someone or something is petrified.
2. Drink whenever Maggie Smith is serving and making you eat it.
3. Drink when Doby acts like a battered wife.
4. Drink whenever they say or allude to the Chamber of Secrets.
5. Drink whenever they say, “Tom Riddle.”
6. Drink whenever Draco is an asshole.
7. Drink whenever they say, “Hogwarts.”

…and the Prisoner of Azkaban

1. Drink whenever they say, “Sirius Black.”
2. Drink whenever Buckbeak makes a noise from his mouth.
3. Drink whenever they say, “Azkaban.”
4. Drink TWICE per each Dementor seen.
5. Drink whenever Maggie Smith is feeling her fantasy.

…and the Goblet of Fire

1. Drink anytime the Goblet of Fire is visible.
2. HEAVY DRINK anytime a Death Eater is on screen.
3. Drink anytime you are confused about your attraction to Cedric. Is he hot or does he have a shovel face?
4. Drink whenever there are massive amounts of hormones in the air.
5. Drink every time a kid has AWFUL teenage hair that they think looks good, but it doesn’t. Not even a little. Get a haircut, hippie!
6. SUPER HEAVY DRINK when Maggie Smith says, “Baboons.”
7. Speaking of which, drink every time Maggie Smith is pummeling the runway.
8. TAKE A SHOT when Voldemort comes back.

…and the Order of the Phoenix

1. Drink whenever hormones are LITERALLY (or figuratively) oozing.
2. Drink whenever they say, “Voldemort.”
3. Drink whenever they teleport.
4. Drink every time Luna is a bit nutty.
5. HEAVY DRINK for the final wizard battle.
6. TAKE A SHOT when Sirius Black dies (spoiler alert!).

…and the Half Blood Prince

1. Drink whenever the Half Blood Prince’s book is seen or mentioned.
2. Drink whenever they say, “Voldemort.”
3. Drink whenever Malfoy is a total dickhead.
4. Drink every time Maggie Smith serves you the house down.
5. DOUBLE the drinks during any flashback.
6. Drink whenever Bellatrix is straight up cray.
7. Drink every time hormones are raging.
8. Drink whenever they say a Professor’s name.
9. TAKE A SHOT when Dumbledore di- WE MEAN……nothing…

…and the Deathly Hallows (Parts 1 & 2)

1. Drink whenever they say, “Voldemort.”
2. Drink whenever Bellatrix is craaaazay.
3. Drink whenever there is a flashback.
4. Drink whenever they speak bastardized Latin.
5. TAKE A SHOT for each Horcrux destroyed.
6. Drink anytime someone says, “Dumbledore.”
7. DOUBLE DRINKS for each scene that Nagini is in.
8. Drink every time it’s more Hormone-y Granger…aka when hormones are raging.
9. Drink whenever they transport somewhere magically.
10. Drink anytime someone says, “Horcrux.”
11. Drink whenever anyone is fighting.
12. TAKE A SHOT for Maggie Smith literally slaying.
13. FINISH YOUR DRINK when the Dark Lorde is defeated.

God damn, that was a lot! Realistically, you’re probably plastered, but that’s the point. It’s Harry Potter for fuck’s sake! Why not drink until you die? You’ll want to anyway once you realize there’ will be no more Harry Potter EVER. Yeah, that’s right, let that sink in.

Well anywho, you should probably go eat something and/or lay down before the renal failure sets in. You also might want to eat any charcoal you have lying around because the E.R. doctors are going to pump that shit pretty deep into your bowels anyway. Speaking of, let’s take a look at you before this whole fiasco:

“Yeah, sure, I’ll drink to the Harry Potter movies. I’m half in the bag anyway.”

And after? After the handle of Gibleys…

Oh shit, maybe that was one too many rules… Well if you guys don’t die of alcohol poisoning, you should come back whenever you’re sober to play another game with us in order to forget about your real world problems.

Until next time, you beautiful bastards,

“Abbra ka-blah-bra, am I right ladies?” – Drunken Marge Simpson