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Drink Up! Presents: Brain Freeze — Batman and Robin | by Matt Miller | Cinapse

Drink Up! is a column dedicated to the timeless pastime of film drinking games. While there are already countless out there, only the crème de la crème will be mentioned here. Our criteria: the film must be exceptional or exceptionally terrible; there can be no more than three “rules” to the drinking game (keeping track of 15 rules ruins the fun); and, there must be options for at least two drink types (beer, liquor, wine). Lastly, and most importantly, stop drinking if you feel the need. It’s 2013, DRINK RESPONSIBLY.

What better way to kick off a new column than with one of the most universally reviled movies of all time? I must warn you though, my choice is not a cynical or ironic one. I actually enjoy Batman and Robin. No, not in the way that I enjoy Blade Runner or 2001. On paper, yes, Batman and Robin is a corporate sell-out of a movie made to satisfy toy companies and advertisers by making easily digestible garbage. I would counter that by saying director Joel Schumacher knew very well what he was doing when he realized Warner Brothers’ direction. In an act of conceding defiance, I can almost hear him saying, “You want more? I’ll give you all the Bat crotch shots and flashy set pieces you can handle!” The direction, the set design, the dialogue, nearly everything about this movie screams campy, cheesy comic book. The Batman series has never gone that direction, right?

So, let’s start with the most important question: what are you drinking?

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A light pale ale in a chilled glass might be the perfect remedy as summer’s heat bears down on those of us in the northern hemisphere. Beer is the wisest choice for a movie like this as you will be taking sips quite regularly. Here are the rules: Take a drink every time an “ice” or “cold” pun is said. Take a drink every time a “plant” or “nature” pun is said. Take a drink every time Bane mindlessly repeats a word or screams unintelligibly.

You like the live dangerously, don’t you? Either that or you have a gluten intolerance. Either way, the only way you’ll make it through the film outside of a body bag is to adhere to a single set of rules:

Take a small drink when Bane screams unintelligibly and a full drink whenever he mindlessly repeats a word.

Arnold Schwarzenegger would be proud knowing you enjoyed his most over-the-top performance with this equally obvious drink choice. Whether you play the drinking game or not, this drink and Batman and Robin go together like “Adam and Evil!”

Ingredients: (2 parts) Vodka, (1 part) blue curacao, (1 part) triple sec, (1 part) lime juice.

Mixing: Combine all ingredients into a shaker. Add ice cubes. Shake, shake, shake. Strain into a cocktail (aka Martini) glass. Enjoy!

Let me be clear: Batman and Robin is not a good movie in the traditional sense of the word but I would take watching this entry any day over its predecessor: Batman Forever. It was a movie trapped between the Gothic romanticism of Burton’s universe and the lavish carnival of Schumacher’s. So, in the words of Mr. Freeze, “Let’s kick some ICE!”

Mr. Freeze “Ice” Puns 1. The iceman cometh! 2. My condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy. 3. In this universe, there’s only one absolute: everything freezes. 4. You’re not sending me to the cooler. 5. You get the ice… 6. …I’ll get the iceman. 7. What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age! 8. …the icy cold of space. 9. Your heart will freeze and beat no more. 10. Your icy tomb will plummet back to Gotham! 11. Freeze well. 12. Stay cool, bird boy. 13. Can you be cold Batman? 14. Here’s where everything goes North. 15. If it’s ice the ice man wants…. 16. Are we gonna trap ourselves a snowman? 17. Freezie. 18. I’m feeling hot. (I find that unlikely.) 19. I’d weather blizzards just to have you. 20. Why don’t we heat things up? 21. My passion thaws for my bride alone. 22. Talk about your cold shoulder. 23. Frosty! 24. I will freeze the city. 25. It’s winter forever here in Gotham. 26. Everyone, chill! 27. Chill! 28. Chill! 29. It doesn’t work on a cold hearted! 30. Cool party. 31. It’s a cold town. 32. Welcome home, frost face. 33. You’re the common cold and were the cure. 34. Allow me to break the ice… 35. Learn it well, for it’s the chilling sound of your doom. 36. A cool customer, yes. 37. Icy demeanor, no question. 38. Hey, icehead, you got a visitor. 39. Brother dear, I heard you were blue. 40. My most abominable snowman. 41. Let’s cool it for now, I’ve got someone I want you to meet. 42. Always winterize your pipes! 43. I’ll rescue your snowy bride. 44. Chilled to perfection. 45. Who needs a frigid wife, anyway? 46. Their bones will turn to ice. 47. Their blood will freeze in my hands! 48. Without the warmth of human comfort. 49. I will blanket the city in endless winter! 50. Prepare to freeze… Gotham! 51. Turn Gotham into an icy graveyard! 52. Pull batman’s heart from his body and feel it freeze in my hands. 53. If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on Sunday finest! 54. Tonight, hell freezes over! 55. He’s about to turn Gotham into an ice cube. 56. Let’s kick some ICE! 57. No sign of the snowman. 58. Maybe he melted. 59. No, he’s just hibernating. 60. A City full of Gothamites are ice cubs forever. 61. Tonight’s forecast: a freeze is coming! 62. Hey Freeze, the heat is on. 63. Freeze in hell, Batman! 64. Still inside you, Victor. Buried deep… beneath the snow.

65. Winter has come at last.

Poison Ivy “Plant”/”Nature” Puns 1. They replaced my blood with aloe… 2. My skin with chlorophyll… 3. And filled my lips, with venom. 4. I’m… poison. 5. Phew… it’s a jungle in here. 6. I am nature’s arm… 7. Her spirit. 8. Her will. 9. Hell, I am mother nature. 10. It’s not nice to fool with mother nature. 11. Gotham will be mine for the greening. 12. I’ve got some wild oats to sow. 13. My garden needs tending. 14. Some lucky boy is about to hit the honey pot. 15. Plant Girl? 16. Vine lady? 17. Hand over the diamond, garden gal or… 18. I’ll Turn you into mulch. 19. Clever little clover. 20. It took god seven days to create parade, let’s see if I can do better. 21. Great stems, though. 22. Buds, too. Yeah those were nice. 23. Adam and Evil! 24. Is your thumb the only part of you that’s green? 25. I want to make sure you’re serious about turning over a new leaf. 26. How bout slippery when wet? 27. You’re not the only one who can set a trap, Venus. 28. Sorry, my vines have a crush on you! 29. You’re about to become compost.

30. I believe I’m the one who kicked Ivy’s botanical butt.

Bane Mimicking & Unintelligible Screams 1. Aaggghh! 2. Aaggghh! 3. Bane!! 4. Step!! 5. Monkey Work! 6. Aaggghh! 7. Aaggghh! 8. Aaggghh! 9. Honey! 10. Company! 11. Aaggghh! 12. Aaggghh! 13. Aaggghh! 14. Aaggghh! 15. Aaggghh! 16. Aaggghh! 17. Aaggghh! 18. Aaggghh! 19. Aaggghh! 20. Aaggghh! 21. Over! 22. Bomb! 23. Bomb! 24. Bomb! 25. Bomb! 26. BAT! 27. Aaggghh! 28. Aaggghh!

29. Aaggghh!

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